You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
