I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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