I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
