yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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