P.S. I can't hear my feet
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
