i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
