hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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