areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
