we have pet lesbian snakes
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize