Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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