gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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