My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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