It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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