I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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