yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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