I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
