I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
