I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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