I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
