Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
