My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
