thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think I sprained my soul last night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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