She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
