we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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