never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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