I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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