new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
