I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
