Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
