My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
