Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
