hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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