I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
