i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
