My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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