So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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