I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
