I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
