I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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