and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
