wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
