I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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