i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
