I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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