this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
