I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
