wanna go halves on a baby?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
