He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
