now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
