Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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